Always your first instinct compels you to dump all hope and jump..

Christ, look at the time. It's 2008. This is it kids, this is my year. The world is my lobster. I just need a huge amount of money, and a shedload of spare time. There's this degree, see? It's all English Language and English Literature. It'd be perfect as the groundwork for a journalism career...

So, what's to say? Watson is huge. His arse is about the size of one of the Ridings. Unfortunately his brain remains the size of a pea. Still, it makes for great entertainment. We inherited a Guinea pig too. Now, he's a card...

Meanwhile, have a bit of psychedelia.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iv6GhRDERsk

Can't get the effing embed action to work. It's been a while... *sigh*

Nooo, I jinxed it.

Bah. Last night I dreamt I was about to be lynched by the school bullies. They were actually going to kill me... Then I dreamt I left Mrs. Kanga (my favourite childhood toy who I still keep on my bed) on the bus!! Talk about nightmares..

I'm actually enjoying this..

I may be a miserable self-involved old trout, and since running out of tablets on Saturday, I may be sleeping like a teenager and crying at adverts, but, but, BUT... I've been having the greatest dreams. My friend thinks it's my subconscious sowing my wild oats prior to the wedding, I think it may be a combination of hormones and too much cheese, but imagine a "rendevous" with one of these fellas every night!

Ohhhh... Callum Blue. The one that started it all (and the prettiest by far). He was being charged for some nasty crime and I had to sneak him out of the courthouse. He was, ahem, very grateful.

Johnny Knoxville.. He was playing hard to get. There was a Marvel Comics convention in a giant disused swimming pool (stick with me here), and I was being chased by The Living Brain. Fortunately Mr. K was on hand with quips and commentary. There was no nudity, just lots of innuendo. Darn it. This is also the point where there was a cameo (a very naked cameo) from a close personal friend of mine. I won't mention names in case anybody actually READS this (god forbid..) but suffice to say, if he knew who he was, he wouldn't be embarrassed by his performance! I don't think I'll ever look at him the same way....

Edward Norton was my boyfriend last night. He was sweet and lovely, but overworked and I hardly saw him. Still, he was good for a roll around.

Ah, David Boreanaz. He was the reason that Ed Norton and I were a short lived romance. I was at school (looking as I do now, of course), and DB was the class hunk (looking as he does now, of course!). I was the envy of the class, and my god, he was good.

Anyway, I'm getting a bit flushed now! Still, I'm hoping for Callum Blue again, or maybe a bit of David Tennant tonight..... Oh lordy mamma.

Sometimes you take a wrong turn.

I came to writing late on. In the day, in life. It was all the same. The clock’s hands hovered on 8pm, and I hovered on adulthood. A month away from my marriage, a lifetime of responsibilities and sensible decisions.

My name is Holly, and I am lost.

There is nothing interesting to my life, nothing to make one sit up and take notice, nothing to make one empathise or sympathise. There are no skeletons in closets, nor happy coincidences in the branches of my family tree. I am just a person. Just… Normal.

And there’s the rub.

All of my life I have wanted to be anything but normal, to be anything, anything other than normal. I don’t have a hankering to be special, don’t get me wrong. I know I’m not special. I just didn’t think I was normal.

What is normal? Now there’s a famous and well-worn childhood platitude. Mummy, they said I’m not normal. There, there, dear. What is normal, after all? I wish they were saying that now. Whoever they are, whoever deem themselves worthy of declarations of normalcy.

I tried a 9 to 5 job. I did, honestly. I tried to feel proactive and productive whilst getting up at 6.30am, sitting on a bus for half an hour, and then shuffling into an office where I could almost cut the negativity in the air with my safety scissors. What is it that makes some offices feel like an elephant graveyard? The sad old women who sit at desks, brushing their hair and applying their lipstick, like they are still somebody. Those same sad old women who sleep with their bosses in an attempt to fool themselves that they are still attractive in societies eyes, and not just objects used by sad old men with the same delusions. Those sad old women who go home to sad old husbands who, regardless of their sadness, deserve more happiness than they actually get. I feel the life draining from me. I feel the stares. I am new. I am young. I have nothing to prove and no inclination to prove it in the first place. Immediately, I am hated. I feel the life drain further. I feel my face get hot, and my eyes blink involuntarily. I don’t cry. I am different. They will not make me cry, for I do not care.

I cry.

I shuffle from the office, and wait for the bus. It doesn’t come. I wait for the next bus. I sit on the bus for 45 minutes. I get off the bus and I walk home. I cry as I walk. I cry because I am crying. I cry because this is what it will be like from now on. Those lost ambitions, those childhood dreams that get sucked away by reality. Why can’t I be a spaceman? Why can’t I travel the world? Because I was so busy being different, I failed to plan to be different. Now I am normal, because I never planned. I thought it just happened.

I don’t get the bus the next day, or the next day, or the next. I don’t shuffle into the office for nearly 10 weeks. I sit at home. I watch TV. I drink a lot of beer and I lament my lost future, I lament my present, and I desperately try to cling to my past where my future was still a possibility. I obsess and I dream. I think, and I think until my head is cloudy with thoughts and I lose them. They swirl into an inseparable mist where I can not tell what thought is what and which goes where. I try to make lists but I lose interest. I try to watch TV but I lose interest. My attention span consists of half an internet crossword. Then I discover the ‘cheat’ button and it doesn’t even consist of that anymore. I try to eat but I get bored. I sleep. Sleep is good. I struggle to sleep, I recite Shakespeare, or Wilde to tire my brain, but I make it to the end of the scene, so I switch the light on and reach up to the bookshelf. I learn the next soliloquy, or duologue. I do the voices in my head. Beatrice is haughty. Benedict is charming. Gwendolen is glib. Jack is, well, earnest.

Finally I sleep. Usually I’ll dream. Inevitably I’ll wake.

Been a long time, been a long time...

I'd love to say I've been busy, but there's no excuse. I bought a rabbit. He's beautiful. His name is Watson, and he's going to be my Victorian side kick and we will solve crimes together - well, once he's been snipped and stops throwing himself around like a lunatic. But that's why I love him. There's nothing quite as cute as seeing him hop around, then shouting him and watching him launch himself onto my lap.

Been to a few theme parks as well. Alton Towers and Drayton Manor in the last few weeks. The Maelstrom at DM may be my favourite ever ride. I wanted to stay on it all day. It's listed as "Thrill Ride" but it's not. It's a big swing that you sit on, and it swings really high. With the wind blowing against your face, and nothing but the blue sky in your line of vision... I felt the most relaxed I've felt in months. Ironically.

Other than that, my wedding is NEXT MONTH. *shits self*

I think I might be taking liberties with this wedding lark...

As I'm off work at the moment, the only exercise I get seems to be wandering into town everyday and browsing round shops to kill a few hours and to stop myself going back to bed. In the past few days, using the excuse of the wedding, I have been able to allow myself to buy two pairs of sunglasses, copious amounts of underwear, several bags, £57 worth of cleanser and moisturiser, various items of clothing for the proposed hen night, and anything that I look at and think "Well, I MIGHT need it...."

I'd highly recommend it.

x

Criminal Minds Greatest Hits

I love this man...